Pondering Life

I get into these moods where I get sick to death of how tiring life is. I spend so much time just doing what is necessary to get through the day that sometimes I just stop working. Today is one of those days. I sit back and just look at what has gotten me to this place. The place where I just want to stop moving...stop thinking...stop being everything to everyone. I realize that this is my vice in life. My regard and empathy for others is exhausting. And the worst part is that I completely bring it on myself but have no ability to stifle my feelings. My expectations for myself, and others, put a wedge between me and the people I care about most in this world. My life right now is a vicious cycle. I am torn between what I want to do and what I have to do. Who I want to be and who I am. What I want to act like and say and what comes out in the heat of the moment.

 It's time like these when I realize that I have been trying to do things on my own and God is slapping me in the face with the tough reality that I am weak. But my pride makes me angry at Him for letting my once again slip a little further away from Him instead of being angry at myself. Why can't I keep that fire? Why can't I make a little one on one time with Him each day? Why do I let life and my obligations get in the way of focusing on who I want and need to be for myself and my family. Why does life have to be so damn hard? I am mad. I am sad. I am tired.